benders best

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    Szarn

    Posts : 19729
    Join date : 2009-08-01

    benders best

    Post by Szarn on Mon Oct 19, 2009 7:41 pm


    A guy walks into a store for some last-minute Christmas shopping, and sees a parrot for sale.
    He asks the clerk what the parrot's name is and the clerk tells him it's Chet.
    He also tells the man that this is one amazing parrot. If you put a match under his left foot, it
    sings “Jingle Bells,” and if you put a match under its left foot, it sings “Deck the Halls.”
    The man thinks that is the coolest thing he's ever seen, so he decides to buy it for his wife.
    So he gets home, and puts it away. Then he wonders what will happen if he puts it a match
    between its legs, so he tries it, and the parrot starts singing “Chet's nuts roasting over an open fire...”




    A man calls Animal Control to get a crazed gorilla off his roof. A van pulls up and an old man gets
    out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat and a gun. He hands the man the gun.

    "OK, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof and threaten the gorilla with this baseball
    bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated."

    "Great," says the man, "but what's the gun for?"

    "If I fall down instead of the gorilla, shoot the dog."





    A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

    The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

    The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

    Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes
    and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.

    The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender
    yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your
    stupid duck beak to the bar!"

    The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

    Confused, the bartender says no.

    "Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"





    A Yankee walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks at the man and
    says, "You're not from 'round here are ya?"

    "No" replies the man, "I'm from New Hampshire." The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you
    do in New Hampshire?"

    "I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, "I mount dead animals."

    The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"





    One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible drunk drivers.
    At closing time he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different
    cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
    Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
    The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered a
    Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

    The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."






    Little Johnny comes home one day and says, "Mom! Little Mark next door has a penis like a peanut!"

    "What do you mean, Johnny? Is it shaped like a peanut?"

    "No," says Johnny. "It's salty."





    Little Johnny runs into his house and asks, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

    "No," says his mom, "Of course not."

    After Little Johnny runs back outside, his mom hears him yell to his friend, "It's OK, we can keep playing!"




    While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee
    and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

    Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for
    you for one month!" says his dad.

    Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps
    and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

    Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"
    avatar
    Szarn

    Posts : 19729
    Join date : 2009-08-01

    Re: benders best

    Post by Szarn on Wed Oct 21, 2009 9:57 pm

    Tired?
    For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep,
    not enough
    sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup,
    poor blood or
    anything else I could think of.

    But now I found out the real reason:

    I'm tired because I'm overworked.

    Here's why:. . .

    The population of this country is 273 million.

    140 million are retired.

    That leaves 133 million to do the work.

    There are 85 million in school.

    Which leaves 48 million to do the work.

    Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal
    government.

    Leaving 19 million to do the work.

    2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing
    Osama Bin-Laden.

    Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

    Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for
    state and city governments.

    And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

    At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

    Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

    Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

    That leaves just two people to do the work.

    You and me.

    And there you are,

    sitting on your butt,

    at your computer, reading jokes.

    Nice. Real nice.




    Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

    "No," the second guy says.

    "Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.

    "Oh," says the second guy.

    A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

    "See what?" the second guy asks.

    "Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."

    "Oh."

    A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"

    By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"

    And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"
    avatar
    Szarn

    Posts : 19729
    Join date : 2009-08-01

    Re: benders best

    Post by Szarn on Thu Apr 29, 2010 9:39 pm

    There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are

    about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom

    and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three

    more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he gets

    on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its

    all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though.

    One of the blondes says “If we lose the two last engines we will be

    up here all day”




    A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his

    faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund

    starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers

    that he is lost.

    So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his

    direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch.

    The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed

    some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to

    chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the

    leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly,

    "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any

    more around here."

    Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a

    look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

    "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly

    had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole

    scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to

    good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.

    So, off he goes.

    But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great

    speed, and figured that something must be up.

    The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and

    strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is

    furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on

    my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

    Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his

    back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of

    running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers,

    pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they

    get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..................

    "Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to

    bring me another leopard."
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    Szarn

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    Re: benders best

    Post by Szarn on Tue May 11, 2010 10:02 pm

    A group of 40 year old breamers discussed where they should meet for
    dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at Jessicas
    restaurant because the waitresses there had tight pants and nice buns.

    10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where
    they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet
    at Jessicas restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine
    selection was good also.

    10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where
    they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet
    at Jessicas restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet
    and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the river.

    10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where
    they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet
    at Jessicas restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible
    and they even had an elevator.

    10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where
    they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet
    at Jessicas restaurant because they had never been there before.
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    Szarn

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    Join date : 2009-08-01

    Re: benders best

    Post by Szarn on Mon Jul 19, 2010 7:49 pm

    Red Rooster are proud to introduce the Julia Gilard meal deal.....

    2 small breasts, 2 large thighs, and a big red box.... lol!
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    Szarn

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    Join date : 2009-08-01

    Re: benders best

    Post by Szarn on Tue Dec 07, 2010 9:22 pm

    A New Zealander walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...

    [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

    "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

    The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
    "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

    The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd
    realize I was talking to the sheep."











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    Szarn

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    Join date : 2009-08-01

    Re: benders best

    Post by Szarn on Thu Aug 04, 2011 4:39 pm

    A truckie misses a turn-off before a low bridge and gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

    Finally, a police car pulls up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands
    on his hips and says, "Got stuck huh?"

    The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of fuel."
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    Szarn

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    Join date : 2009-08-01

    Re: benders best

    Post by Szarn on Wed Sep 07, 2011 10:11 pm

    A dairy farmer is sitting with a divorce lawyer...the lawyer is taking a statement for the upcoming court case....so says the laywer..take me throught the event that led up to all this...well says the farmer , i was about to start milking the cow and as i sat down on the milking stool she kicked the bucket over with her rear left leg..so i grabbed a bit of rope and tied her left leg to the stall rail...then as i was about to start milking her again she kicked the bucket over with her rear right leg..i found another bit of rope and tied her right leg to the stall as well...then i sat down to start the milking and she swatted me in the head with her tail...i didnt have anymore rope so i removed the belt from my pants and used it to tie her tail to a light support...then as was about to sit down again my pants fell down to my ankles and thats the exact moment when the wife walked in...

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    Re: benders best

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