Funny Jokes!

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    Breamingfloosie

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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by Breamingfloosie on Fri Sep 04, 2009 8:26 pm

    "It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fello off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm affraid to go to the bathroom." Shocked

    Rodney Dangerfield.
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    Breamingfloosie

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    The Stutterer

    Post by Breamingfloosie on Fri Sep 04, 2009 8:51 pm

    These 2 guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years.
    1st guy asks the 2nd guy, "How have things been going?"
    The 2nd guy speaking very slowly, tells the 1st guy,
    "I....w..a..s....a..l..m..o..s..t....m..a..r..r..i..e..d"
    The 1st guy says in amazement, "Hey, you've lost your stutter!"
    The reply comes,
    "Y..e..s,...I...w.e.n.t..t.o...a...d..o..c..t..o..r...a.n.d...h.e...t.o.l.d...m.e...t.t.o...I...s.p.e.a.k...s.l.o.w.l.y...I...w.o.u.l.d...n.o.t...s.t.u...t.t.e.r."

    The friend congratulates him and then asks about how he was almost married.
    "W.e.l.l,...m.y...f.i.a.n.c.e.e...a.n.d.....I.....w.e..r.e...s..i.t.t.i..n.g...o....p.o.r.c.h...a.n.d...t.h.e...d.o.g...w.a.s...s..c.r.a.t.c.h.i.n..g...h.i.s...b..a.c..k...I...t.o.l.d...h.e.r...t..h.a.t.
    ..w.h.e.n...w.e...a.r.e...m..a.r.r..i.e.d...s.h.e...c.o.u.l.d...d.o...t.h.a.t...f.o.r..m..e.....a.n.d....t.h.e.n...s.h.e...t.h.r.ew....t.h.e....r.i..n.g...i.n...m.y...f..a.c.e"

    "Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the friend.
    "W..e.l.l...I..s.p.e.a.k...s.o...s.l.o.w.l.y....t.h..a.t...b.y...t.h..e...t.i..m.e...s.h.e...l.o.ok..e.d...a.t...t.he....d.o..g,...h.e..wa.s......l.i.c.k.i.n.g....h.i..s....b.al.l.s". :bball:
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    Breamingfloosie

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    2 Cows!

    Post by Breamingfloosie on Mon Sep 07, 2009 12:21 pm

    2 Cow's are standing around one day when one says to the other;

    "So what do you think about the mad cow disease?"

    The other replies, "What the hell do I care, I'm a god damn helicopter!!

    Laughing Laughing
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    Breamingfloosie

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    How to speak to women & be politically correct

    Post by Breamingfloosie on Mon Sep 07, 2009 12:26 pm

    1. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY".

    2. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED"

    3. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED".

    4. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE".

    drunken bounce
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    fish4fun

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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by fish4fun on Mon Sep 07, 2009 8:00 pm

    A cowboy and his wife had just gotten married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night.

    The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.
    He said,
    "We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good, strong bed."

    The clerk winked, "You want the
    'Bridal'?"
    The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied,
    "Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it." :)
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    fish4fun

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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by fish4fun on Mon Sep 07, 2009 8:05 pm

    When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.


    David Bissonette :)


    After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.


    Sacha Guitry

    By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
    Socrates


    Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

    Anonymous

    The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"

    Dumas




    I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.


    Sigmund Freud


    'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'

    Anonymous


    'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
    Sam Kinison



    'I've had bad luck with both my wives.

    The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

    James Holt McGavra


    Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
    1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
    2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

    Patrick Murra


    The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

    Nash



    You know what I did before I married?

    Anything I wanted to.


    Anonymous



    My wife and I were happy for twenty years.

    Then we met.

    Henny Youngman



    A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

    Rodney Dangerfield


    A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.

    They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'


    Anonymous

    First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
    Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

    Anonymous :bom:
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    Breamingfloosie

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    2 blokes fishin!

    Post by Breamingfloosie on Mon Sep 07, 2009 8:34 pm

    2 blokes from Gosnells are quietly sitting in a boat at Fremantle, fishing and drinking beer.

    Almost silently so as not to scare the fish Johnny says "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months".

    Frank continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find" :joker:
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    Szarn

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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by Szarn on Mon Sep 07, 2009 8:54 pm

    obviously your not johnys wife.... lol!
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    boss

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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by boss on Mon Sep 07, 2009 10:13 pm

    TWO CONDOMZ WALKING DOWN THE STREET WHEN THEY WALK PAST THIS GAY CLUB AND ONE CONDOM TURNS AND SAYZ I GOT mmmmmm FACED IN THERE ONCE lol!
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    boss

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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by boss on Mon Sep 07, 2009 10:16 pm

    boss wrote:TWO CONDOMZ WALKING DOWN THE STREET WHEN THEY WALK PAST THIS GAY CLUB AND ONE CONDOM TURNS AND SAYZ I GOT mmmmmm FACED IN THERE ONCE lol!
    WHATS WITH THE MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM'Z WE R ALL ADULTS ARE'NT WE
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    Szarn

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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by Szarn on Mon Sep 07, 2009 10:27 pm

    The forum hosts dont allow swearing or victimization so your wogz post
    will likely be gone soon too. Forumotion dont want to get sued and if
    we dont go by the rules they will delete benders joint totally.

    And renae is italian and put up half the money to pay for the adverts
    to be removed so we must be thoughtful when posting.
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    Breamingfloosie

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    She Says - He Hears

    Post by Breamingfloosie on Wed Sep 09, 2009 5:03 pm

    What a woman says:

    This place is a mess! C'mon!
    You and I need to clean up!
    Your stuff is lying on the floor and
    You'll have no clothes to wear if we
    don't do laundry right now!

    What a man hears:

    blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
    YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
    blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
    blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
    blah blah blah RIGHT NOW! lol!
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    boss

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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by boss on Thu Sep 10, 2009 5:10 pm

    bender wrote:The forum hosts dont allow swearing or victimization so your wogz post
    will likely be gone soon too. Forumotion dont want to get sued and if
    we dont go by the rules they will delete benders joint totally.

    And renae is italian and put up half the money to pay for the adverts
    to be removed so we must be thoughtful when posting.
    SORRY RENAE I HOPE U WERE'NT OFFENDED IF ITS ANY CONSULATION IM WELSH AND THATS MUCH WORSE THAN BEING ITALIAN scratch

    Renae

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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by Renae on Thu Sep 10, 2009 6:24 pm

    ha ha..relax boss. Its all ok. And im half italian and half american but at least i dont look like bender ha ha ha ha.... Laughing
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    Breamingfloosie

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    All men have one...

    Post by Breamingfloosie on Fri Sep 11, 2009 9:43 pm

    A man explains to his daughter:

    I have one
    Your husband will have one
    Your mother uses your father's one
    And your auntie uses your uncle's one
    A married lady would acquire one
    But a divorced lady would lose her one

    A Pope doesn't use his one
    Madonna doesn't have one

    The Chinese usually have short ones
    While the Pakistanis usually have lone ones

    After your marriage your husband will give you his one?
    Longer or shorter you have to take his one.

    Are you afraid of taking a LONG one.
    Do you want one?
    How long do you want?

    Which one is your preferred one?
    Long one or short one

    What you are thinking of?

    Its your Surname, what were you thinking of?

    You Dirty Mind!!
    lol!
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    Breamingfloosie

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    2 Old Men

    Post by Breamingfloosie on Mon Sep 14, 2009 6:50 pm

    There were 2 old men sitting on a park bench passing the day away talking. One old man asked the other " How is your wife??"

    2nd old man replies "I think she is Dead!"

    1st old man "What do you mean you THINK she is dead???"

    2nd old man "Well....the sex is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up".
    :D
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    Breamingfloosie

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    Condom?

    Post by Breamingfloosie on Mon Sep 14, 2009 7:05 pm

    2 older women are sitting on a bench waiting for a bus. The 1st lady takes out a cigarette & starts to smoke. A minute later it begins to rain, so she takes out a condom, cuts off the end, and carefully places it over the cigarette to shield it from the rain. The 2nd lady looks at that and says, "That's such a good idea, but what is that plastic thing?
    "Its a condom," The 1st lady replies. "Well, where can you buy those?" the 2nd lady asks.
    "Um... Most people buy them at pharmacies" the 1st lady replies.
    So the 2nd lady goes to a pharmacy and walks up to the counter. "Do you guys sell those condom things?" she asks the pharmacist.
    "Why yes we do," the pharmacist says a little confused, "Do you know what size you need?" So the lady says, "Well it's got a fit a Camel".
    lol!
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    Szarn

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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by Szarn on Mon Sep 14, 2009 7:14 pm

    haha...now thats what i call a real joke... :D
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    Breamingfloosie

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    Dress Code

    Post by Breamingfloosie on Mon Sep 14, 2009 7:31 pm

    Husband and wife are in their bedroom. The wife says to the husband: "Darling, take off my dress". The husband complies.

    "And now", she says in a husky voice, "Take off my high heel shoes. That's nice. Now, take off my stockings and suspenders. Aaah, good. Now, gently unhook my bra and take it off. Goood. And finally, take off my panties, will you? Thank you.

    AND DON'T YOU EVER LET ME CATCH YOU WEARING ANY OF THEM AGAIN!!!" :bom: :D
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    Breamingfloosie

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    When Your're Drunk

    Post by Breamingfloosie on Fri Sep 18, 2009 7:53 pm

    Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk:

    Indubitably
    Innovative
    Preliminary
    Proliferation
    Cinnamon

    Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk:

    Specificity
    "Cogito ergo sum."
    British Constitution
    Passive-aggressive order
    Ioquacious
    Transsubstantiate

    Things that are DOWNRIGHT difficult to say when you're drunk:

    Thank, but I don't want to have sex.
    Nope, no more booze for me!
    Sorry, but you're not really my type.
    :bball:
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    Breamingfloosie

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    What am I?

    Post by Breamingfloosie on Fri Sep 18, 2009 8:09 pm

    This useful too, commonly found in the rang of 4-8 inches long. The funtioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes. Is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely recoginise the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft. After everything is ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or 3 times a day, but often much less. What am I?

    As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other than your very own - toothbrush!
    lol!
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    Breamingfloosie

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    Tips 4 older couple!

    Post by Breamingfloosie on Mon Sep 21, 2009 3:43 pm

    Put bifocals on. Double check that you're with the right partner.
    Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes...in case you doze off in the middle.
    Set the mood with lighting. Turn 'em ALL OFF!
    Make sure you put 000 on your speed dial before your begin...just in case!
    Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to scream out at the end.


    lol!
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    Breamingfloosie

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    Olympic rubbers!

    Post by Breamingfloosie on Mon Sep 21, 2009 3:54 pm

    A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Cleary impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his girlfriend the purchase he just made.
    "Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
    "There is 3 colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver & Bronze."
    "What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.
    "Gold of course," says the man proudly.
    The girlfriend responds wryly, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came 2nd for a change!".
    :bball: Laughing
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    vegas
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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by vegas on Wed Sep 23, 2009 9:50 pm

    The Erectus Trouserius
    Or the trouser snake is the worlds most dangerous snake .
    Colour varies from pink to black .
    Its Fangless and Average length of 5 to 6 inches [Although some are said to reach 12 inches depending on the honesty of its owner ]
    It appears usally in bedrooms attacking women in the mouth or lower abdominal area, its highly venomous spit can cause swelling lasting up to 9 months !
    Some mutant species are also known to attack men from behind
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    Breamingfloosie

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    Explaing that!

    Post by Breamingfloosie on Wed Sep 23, 2009 10:02 pm

    A farmer is sitting in the local bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in & asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk? The farmer says "Some things you just can't explain." So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked. The farmer then decides to try an answer,"Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg & kicked it over". "That's not so bad, what's the big deal?" The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain". "So what happened?" the man asked again. The farmer relenting, continued, "I took her left leg & tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down & continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg & kicked it over". "Again?" The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain". "So, what did you do then?" the man asked, intrigued. "I took her right leg & tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down & continued to milk her, & just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail". "Wow, you must have been pretty upset!" but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed". The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain". "So then what else did you do?" the man asked again. "Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt & tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down & my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain". lol!

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    Re: Funny Jokes!

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