Funny Jokes!

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    Breamingfloosie

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    Bad Soldier

    Post by Breamingfloosie on Thu Sep 24, 2009 9:07 pm

    One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted & sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, & bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report cam from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

    The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel & squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!".

    Laughing
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    Breamingfloosie

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    Kiss

    Post by Breamingfloosie on Thu Sep 24, 2009 9:14 pm

    There was once a boy who was brought up really strict, one day when he was 9 he was walking with his mum & he spotted a boy about 12 kissing a girl, he said "Mommy what are they doing?", she replied "they are being really naughty that is called kissing and if you do it you will die slowly as soon as you do it".
    Years went on and it was his 21st birthday, he went out with all his mates & was getting a bit drunk, he spotted an attractive young lady & she was leading him on for a kiss. He forgot for a moment what his mum had said and he kissed the girl. It wasn't until his lips left the girls lips that it stuck in his mind what his mum had said all those years ago.
    The boy then burst into tears and the girl said "what's wrong?", the boy replied my mum told me if I kiss someone I will die and already part of my body has gone hard.
    lol!
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    Breamingfloosie

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    Grandma!

    Post by Breamingfloosie on Mon Oct 05, 2009 10:42 am

    A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitues line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl's grandma came by & saw her granddaughter. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself", and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitues. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out and suck them dry." lol!
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    Breamingfloosie

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    Grandmas Idea!

    Post by Breamingfloosie on Fri Oct 09, 2009 9:56 pm

    One day Jimmy is walking home from school. When he gets home, he finds his Grandpa sitting on the porch without any pants on!

    So he goes up to his Grandpa & says "Grandpa, do you realise that you're not wearing any pants?" His Grandpa replies "Yes Jimmy, I do";

    Jimmy then says "Well, why are you outside without any pants on Granpa?"

    Hi Grandpa looks at Jimmy and responds "Well Jimmy,yesterday I sat outside without a shirt to long, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea."
    Laughing
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    Szarn

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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by Szarn on Sat Oct 10, 2009 2:14 pm

    A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Scottish highland pond.

    A Gamekeeper shouts,
    'Dinnae drink tha waaater! Et's foo ae coo's shite an pish!'

    The man replies,
    'My Good fellow, I'm from England . Could you repeat that in English for me.'

    The keeper replies,

    'I said, use two hands - you spill less that way!!!
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    Breamingfloosie

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    An Old Lady & a p----!

    Post by Breamingfloosie on Wed Oct 21, 2009 9:44 pm

    Once upon a time there was a little old man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights & jogged 6 miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirro & was admiring his body, when he noticed that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his p---s.

    He decided to do something about it. He promptly went to the beach completely undressed & buried himself in the sand, except for his p---s. Just then 2 old ladies were strolling about the sand, one walking with a cane.

    Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand, she begun to move it with her cane. She remarked to the other little old lady; "There ain't no justice in this world".

    The other little old lady asked "What do you mean by that?"

    "Well, she said, "When I was 20 I was curious about it,"

    "When I was 30 I enjoyed it."

    "When I was 40 I asked for it"

    "when I was 50 I paid for it"

    "When I was 60 I prayed for it"

    "When I was 70 I forgot about it"

    "And now that I'm 80 the damn things are growing wild & I'm too old to squat"
    lol!
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    Breamingfloosie

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    "Yes"=No

    Post by Breamingfloosie on Wed Nov 04, 2009 7:13 pm

    "Yes"=No
    "No" = Yes
    "Maybe"=No
    "I'm sorry"= You'll be sorry
    "We need = I want
    "It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
    "Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later.
    "Sure, go ahead" = I don't want you to.
    "I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset you moron.
    "We need to talk" = I need to complain.
    "You're so manly" = You need a shave & you sweat a lot.
    "You're certainly attentive tonight" = Is sex all you ever think about?
    "Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs
    "This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house
    "I want new curtains" = and new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper,etc
    "I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep
    "Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive
    "How much do you love me?"=I did something today you're really not going to like.
    "I'll be ready in a minute" = Kick off your shoes & find a good game on TV
    "Is my butt fat?" = Tell me I'm beautiful
    "You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me
    "Was that the baby?"=Why don't you get out of bed & rock him until he falls asleep.
    "Answering the question, "What's wrong?"
    "...The same old thing" = Nothing.
    lol!
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    Breamingfloosie

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    We need a new clock

    Post by Breamingfloosie on Thu Nov 12, 2009 11:04 pm

    Just after a bloke got married, he was invited for a night with the boys. He told the misses that he would be home by midnight.. promise! Well, the yarns were being spun & the grog was going down easy, and around 3am full as a boot, he went home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, & cuckooed 3 times. He realised she'd probably wake up, so he cukooeed another 9 times. He was really proud of himself, considering his drunken state, to have escaped a possible conflict.

    The next morning, the misses asked him what time he got in last night, so he told her 12 O'Clock. Whew! Got away with that one!
    She then said that they needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked why, she explained, "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'dang it', cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed twice, then giggled".
    lol!
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    Breamingfloosie

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    Old man reminiscing

    Post by Breamingfloosie on Wed Dec 02, 2009 10:47 pm

    One day an 85 year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes & streets from his youth, he starts reminisching....

    "I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that. No, they don't".

    "I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that. No, they don't".

    "I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35. If you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They sure won't".

    "But if you f**k one goat...."

    lol!
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    Breamingfloosie

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    Indian Toilet Paper

    Post by Breamingfloosie on Tue Dec 08, 2009 9:17 pm

    An indian walks into a trading post & asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmn, or White Cloud.
    "White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper", says the Indian. "How mch is it?"
    "$1.00 a roll"m the clerk replies.
    "That seems pretty expensive", responds the Indian. "What about the others?"
    "Charmin is $2.00 a roll, & non name is 50 cents a roll".
    The Indian doesn't have much money, so he opts for the no name. Within a few hours, he is back at the trading post.
    "I have a name for the no name toilet paper", he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne".
    "Why?" asks the confused clerk.
    "Cause it's rough & it's tough & it don't take no crap off an Indian".

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    The three dwarfs

    Post by Guest on Thu Dec 17, 2009 11:00 pm

    THE THREE DWARFS


    One day three midgets were sitting around the table drinking tea and having crumpets.

    The first midget says to the other two, "You know, I think I have the smallest hands in the world." He continues, "and I think I should go down the Guiness Book or World Records and try to get in the book!"


    The second midget replies with, "You know, now that you mention it, I probably have the smallest feet in the world. I think I'll go with you and try to get into the record book, too!"


    The third midget joins in with, "I'm going too because I think I have the smallest penis in the world. Let's go!"


    So the midgets set off to the offices of the Guiness Book of World Records.


    When they arrive, the first midget is called in and is gone for awile. Finally he comes out very excited. "I made it! They measured my hands, and sure enough they are the smallest in the world. I'm in the record book!!"


    The second midget is called in, and soon he comes out very excited. "I made it too! They measured my feet and sure enough, they are the smallest in the world. I'm in the record book, too!!"


    The third midget goes in, is gone a very long time, so long that his friends became concerned. Finally he appears with a rather forlorn look on his face.


    "What's the matter?", his friends asked.


    The third midget responds with "Who the hell is Bill Clinton?!?!!"



    [u]
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    Breamingfloosie

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    Giggle time!

    Post by Breamingfloosie on Tue Jan 05, 2010 10:33 pm

    Politicians and diapers have 1 thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
    I saw a woman wearing a t-shirt with "Guess" on it....so I said "Implants ?".
    Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
    A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match at kickboxing.
    Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
    Did you know that Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool & throw them fish?
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    Breamingfloosie

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    The Blonde Date!

    Post by Breamingfloosie on Wed Feb 17, 2010 8:50 pm

    To prepare for his big date, a young man named Max went up on the roof of this apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, Max fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade".

    He was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on the manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

    The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, & Max treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie.

    During the movie, however, Max's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, & poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk, and experienced immediate relief of his pain.

    The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his johnson immersed in a glas of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!".
    lol!
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    Szarn

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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by Szarn on Wed Feb 17, 2010 9:02 pm

    gazza was around maxs house at a barbie one day when he noticed one of maxs

    dogs licking its balls. "dam" said gazza "i wish i could do that"

    "well" said max "chuck him one of your snags and he might let ya"


    lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol!
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    shano
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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by shano on Wed Feb 17, 2010 10:57 pm

    Got a headache
    It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.

    "That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"

    At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra.

    The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.

    "Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does."

    Again she said no and again he persuaded her.

    This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.

    The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. "Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell HIM you have a headache!" lol! lol! lol!
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    Szarn

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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by Szarn on Wed Feb 17, 2010 11:02 pm

    i think i was supposed to be a famous cricket player...

    last night i dreampt i was shane warne and when i woke

    up in the morning i was having a bat...
    lol! lol!
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    Breamingfloosie

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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by Breamingfloosie on Wed Feb 17, 2010 11:05 pm

    And was Mrs Shane Warne bowling? or was Shane on the mobile phone again? bounce bounce
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    shano
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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by shano on Wed Feb 17, 2010 11:17 pm

    ◦Ping just offered Elin Woods an endorsement contract pushing her own set of drivers. They are said to be named Elin Woods…”clubs you can beat Tiger with.” cheers cheers cheers

    susie..warne couldve very well ended up like poor old cheater woods
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    Gazza
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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by Gazza on Mon Feb 22, 2010 3:40 pm

    A driver speeding down a country highway failed to negotiate a bend. Instead he landed in a paddock.
    Luckily the farmer who owned the property was close by and hurried to help him.
    When the driver emerged from the wreckage unhurt, the farmer couldn't believe his eyes. "Are you drunk?" he asked.
    "Of course I am," the man replied irritably. "What do you think I am - a bloody stunt driver?"

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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by Guest on Wed Feb 24, 2010 1:54 pm

    PROUD TO BE A WEST AUSTRALIAN:

    After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Melbourne scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

    Not to be outdone by the Victorians, in the weeks that followed, a Sydney archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the Sydney Morning Herald read:

    "New South Wales archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 30 years earlier than the Victorians".

    One week later, the West Australian, Perth, reported the following:

    "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Leeming , Perth , Blair Smith, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely @#&* all. Blair has therefore concluded that 150 years ago, WA had already gone wireless."

    Just makes you bloody proud to be a West Aussie!
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    Breamingfloosie

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    Farting Contest

    Post by Breamingfloosie on Wed Mar 24, 2010 8:26 pm

    An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts & says "6 point". His wife rolls over & says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football!".

    A few minutes later the wife lets one go & says "Goal, tie score" After 5 minutes the old man farts again & says "Goal, I'm ahead 12 to 6".

    Not to be out done the wife rips another one & says, "Goal, tie score". 5 seconds go by & she lets out a squeaker as says "Point, I lead 13 to 12"

    Now the pressure's on & the old man refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains really hard but to no avail. Realising a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he soils the bed.

    The wife looks & says, "What the f%*k was that?"

    The old man replies, "Half-Time, Switch sides".
    lol! :bom:
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    shano
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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by shano on Mon Mar 29, 2010 7:43 pm

    lol! lol! the old guy layed a young freo docker!!!
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    shano
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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by shano on Wed Jun 09, 2010 6:19 pm

    A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

    "Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

    The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

    "You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

    So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

    "Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

    First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

    "Second - There's a pit bull chained in

    the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."


    "Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You

    have to take care of that problem."


    The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart

    of tequila and then do all those other things!"

    "Your call," says the bartender, "but,

    your money stays where it is."

    As time goes on, the man has a few

    more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

    He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
    Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

    Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
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    Breamingfloosie

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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by Breamingfloosie on Tue Jul 20, 2010 7:59 pm

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    scizz

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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by scizz on Wed Sep 08, 2010 10:50 pm

    A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door.
    A boy, about 9, opened the door
    "Is your Dad home?" said the farmer.
    "No mate, he isn't; he went to town."
    "Well, is your Mother here?"
    ..."No, she went to town with Dad."
    "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
    "No mate, he went with Mum and Dad."
    The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
    "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
    "Well,"
    said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad.
    It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".
    The
    boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I
    know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know
    how much he charges for Howard."

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    Re: Funny Jokes!

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