Funny Jokes!

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    scizz

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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by scizz on Fri Sep 10, 2010 11:31 am

    Two charter boat captains decided to have a day off and headed to the golf course. they were continually held up as the two women in front of them muffed shots, hunted for lost balls and stood over puts for what seemed like hours.
    "I'll ask them if we can play through," Mark said. Just short of the green however, he turned and went back to where his mate was waiting.
    "Can't do it" he explained, "One of them is my wife and the other's my mistress!"
    "I'll ask" said Alex, he started off only to turn around and come back as well.
    "What's wrong?" asked Mark.
    "Small world isn't it!"
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    Szarn

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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by Szarn on Fri Sep 10, 2010 12:36 pm

    now that's what I call a real
    joke haha
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    scizz

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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by scizz on Thu Sep 16, 2010 9:32 am

    A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

    She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

    The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
    When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

    Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
    'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
    We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

    She hears the little boy continue,

    'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
    We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

    As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

    'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.
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    dieharddocker

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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by dieharddocker on Thu Sep 16, 2010 4:09 pm

    ahahaha, nice
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    scizz

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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by scizz on Fri Sep 24, 2010 8:48 am

    You know you're a Collingwood Fan when......

    1. A Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife does.
    2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
    3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
    4. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."
    5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
    6. Someone in your family once died right after saying: "Hey, watch this."
    7. You think Dom Perigon is a Mafia leader.
    8. A ceiling fan once ruined your wife's hairdo.
    9. You think the last words of Advance Australia Fair are: "Carn the Pies."
    10. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded, right off its wheels.
    11. The market value of your car goes up and down, depending on how much petrol is in it.
    12. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
    13. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
    14. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
    15. You think "loaded dishwasher" means your wife is drunk.
    16. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
    17. Your front verandah collapses and kills more than five dogs.
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    scizz

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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by scizz on Wed Oct 13, 2010 4:40 pm

    TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.


    AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL


    THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.


    THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'


    THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,

    'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

    'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'


    'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.' HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'


    'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'




    'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW..... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'
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    scizz

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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by scizz on Sat Feb 05, 2011 11:08 pm

    Four Blokes Spend weeks planning a perfect fishing trip.

    Two day's before they are due to leave, dave's wife put's her foot down and tell's him he's not going.

    His mates are angry but decide to push on anyway.

    Two days later the 3 men rock up at their remote location to find dave there with tent setup, fish cooking on the bbq.

    Steve ask's, "How'd you talking into letting you come".
    Dave says "Yesterday afternoon I was sitting in my chair, when my wife come up from behind me, put her hands over my eyes and said guess who",

    She took me to the bedroom which was decorated in candles an rose petals.

    She told me to strip her an handcuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, do what ever you want.

    So, Here I am fella's.
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    shano
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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by shano on Sat Feb 05, 2011 11:17 pm

    2011 OZZY WORST JOKE AWARD NOMINATION

    What do you wear if you can't wear fish net stockings........CRAB NET STOCKINGS!!!!
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    scizz

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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by scizz on Tue Jun 14, 2011 11:03 am

    [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]


    Last edited by Housey on Tue Jun 14, 2011 2:03 pm; edited 1 time in total
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    shano
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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by shano on Tue Jun 14, 2011 11:21 am

    That was in today's updated entries on the comic strip. Love it Laughing
    Lucky my head isn't a squid....I wouldn't go on those crayfishing boats In a hurry judging by houseys comic strip.
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    Rolly

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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by Rolly on Tue Jun 14, 2011 1:00 pm

    A bloke asks his wife "Why don't you tell me when you Orgasm" Wife replies "Because you don't like me ringing you at work".. Laughing
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    scizz

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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by scizz on Wed Jun 15, 2011 9:18 pm

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    duffman

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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by duffman on Fri Aug 12, 2011 7:20 pm



    Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.



    The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

    The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

    The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

    The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and that the job takes longer than you said it would.'

    But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the ---------- - and they are interchangeable'

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    scizz

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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by scizz on Tue Nov 08, 2011 9:11 pm

    The lads were all at, let's say, deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly, so they voted to take turns. The first bloke slept with Bob and comes to breakfast with hair a mess and bloodshot eyes. "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." The next morning, the next chap was the same after watching Bob snore all night. But on the third morning, Fred - a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man - came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. They couldn't believe it, and asked his secret. "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night... and Bob sat up and watched me all night."
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    shano
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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by shano on Tue Nov 08, 2011 9:21 pm

    sure thats not a joke or something youre reminiscing on Shocked lol!
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    Hazell

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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by Hazell on Tue Nov 08, 2011 9:23 pm

    hahaha yeh what happened that 3rd night at Molloy after I left? lol!
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    shano
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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by shano on Tue Nov 08, 2011 9:27 pm

    yeah what did happen Laughing i remember hazzel telling me something about bender and vegas coming around to sleep over?
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    Szarn

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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by Szarn on Tue Nov 08, 2011 9:28 pm

    Sorry people. can you keep all comments out of the gallery please.
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    shano
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    Re: Funny Jokes!

    Post by shano on Tue Nov 08, 2011 9:32 pm

    faaaaaair enouuughhhh

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